lost in the clarity

I got no teef! I am getting used to the gap in my smile, the feeling of it that is. I have to say, when I catch myself in the mirror, I do look a bit...um, well, you know, like a guy missing some teeth. Even though I know it's me and it's not from meth use, or bad dental hygiene, it still conjures up a certain preconceived notion. Good thing I don't have to look at me all that often.

I've been on a high protein, high calcium, mostly liquid diet for over two weeks; I can count on one hand the number of solid meals, if noodles and eggs can be considered solid. Pumping with twice my DV of protein I feel like I should be lifting things or riding a great deal, but I'm prevented doing anything that may up my BPM in order to keep bone grafting in place and growing. In addition to this limited diet, I've been dosing with prescriptions, rinses and vitamins. Toss in the fact that I've been required to be completely sedentary two weeks (6 to go), and I'm feeling a bit different than my norm. This little prison aside, I've come to a few conclusions: I'm pretty sure gluten is no good for anybody (reputably causes inflammation), regardless of whether or not you have an allergy, which is too bad cause I love a bit of crusty bread, I also love a good brew and miss it a great deal, but don't feel the ache in my heart that I thought I would with its departure due to conflicts with meds. With certain things, I like the thought of it and the romantic sensations it brings, be it coffee, a good beer or a terrific meal. However, the craving that I normally feel to engage in those sensations is drastically diminished. I don't know if this depravity has given me some sort of clarity or I am just that bored. Nevertheless, I can say that my mind has rarely felt better, which is good and bad. The dull headache that seems ever present is strangely missing (absence of gluten I theorize), but I have for a long time been that guy who creatively fed off his own melancholy caused in part by this constant headache.

I'm not really sure where I am going with this, but it is strange and also enlightening to be still making discoveries this late in the game about oneself. Also, something I've long known, but was either unwilling try or thought I knew better, were the effects of diet on the brain. I've read a bit about depression, ADD and the effects of food choices on these, but figured as long as I kept things all-natural or organic and stuck to a primarily vegetarian diet I'd be as healthy as I could be. Well, surprise, there is more to picking the natural option. Being forced onto a different diet has opened a few doors for when this little operation concludes, but you can bet when I reach for the bread or brew I will think twice. Armed with the knowledge that it's gonna make me feel shitty if I choose it will make it easier...and knowing is half the battle.

filling in the spaces

While looking through the blog of years passed for a specific picture, I began to read. I do this from time to time, for many reasons. But reading entries from my tour this morning, it occurred to me that I never wrote about some things. Entire days and details of exactly where I was were missing. Lost some days in the fog of fatigue I suspect. Still, I found it hard to follow, and I was there. With this in mind, I've begun to add to and edit some postings. Here's the first, from the day I left Laramie and arrived in Ft. Collins: http://hollowsupplanter.blogspot.com/2009/10/to-be-continued.html

turning normal

I'm slowly turning into a normal person, whereby my motivations for moving around is to keep my jelly roll from growing beyond redemption or keep the brain entertained. The satisfaction I usually take with my work has eased as well. This has been helped a bit by taking some more time off to relieve the shop of some payroll burden and to give me space to think, but I haven't come to any conclusions. You'd wonder, could someone ever tire of leisurely sipping ones coffee in the morning and bending one's time to whatever one minds? Eventually, yes. Most of the recent projects that have lifted my spirits seemed to have run into insurmountable road blocks. All of which have served to entirely sap the wind from my sails. I don't know what that means...and I've been laboring to figure it out. The real question is laid out: What next?

And now I've discovered an ant problem, so that's the first task for now I guess. However, I'd like life to throw me a more concrete answer.

pelican v

Unease drew me into the hills. A bit of a breeze, sunshine and snow melting on the tops. A minor need for a minor adventure. I'll admit, I'm a home body 90% of the time, relishing in good brew, food and a comfy warm imagination. However, inevitably when the last adventure ends the feeling of satisfaction fades nearly simultaneously with the arrival of a bored brain. Extra motivation can be cultivated from not currently knowing what or when the next one might be, the baseline can't be allowed to drop too low. The long humps on the bike can serve to fulfill the need for adventure, but only for a day or two. Unawares at the time, I was blown the 15 miles to the climb, which ended up being a snowy 3-mile push instead of a bicep numbing tug. A bit tired from pushing and feet clogged with mud, the sunshine finally broke upon my shoulders from the over the trees as the road leveled out. Using a faint map with hand-written notes, I mistakenly turned down a supremely challenging rubble strewn double-track. It looked as though there had been traffic, but only purpose built off-roaders or four-wheelers I supposed. Piloting my front wheel over loose boulders I kicked up a rusty Marlin rifle in the trail, I stopped to take a look at it, its chamber stuck open, the barrel severely rusted and the stock worn. A bit further down the trail which began to look like a dry stone river bed and less like a 4x4 trail at all for the lack of any distinct tracks, I saw some shooting glasses. I thought I might eventually find a body for all the cat poo and discarded sportsman's regalia. Instead, the trail vanished into a lawn which turned out to be an empty reservoir. The small stream that I'm sure once fed its water, cut lazily down the center and clove deeply through the dam on the far side. Some bushwhacking and I found a road nearby that terminated into private range land. Swerving around the gate and the "violators will be prosecuted" sign, I at last found the road I had intended to ride. Rutted and powdery it descended for a few miles down toward the pavement and the pan-flatness of the basin. Coasting from out of the shadow of the hills, I emerged into a headwind that slowly drained me to the point of feeling ill during the 25 mile paved ride home. A flicker of shadows danced in the corner of my eye. Obscured by the sun, a pelican v rose and fell, dove and rolled. I chased them, but it held no distraction from my fading. For all their maneuvering in the wind, they couldn't gain ground. I rode away as they finally resolved to tack their course against the wind and not attack it straight on as I had no choice but to do. If I could have pedaled as the crow flies I would have, straight back to town and out of the wind. Instead, I put my head down and pushed the cranks. I lost my love for cycling yesterday, but it was my fault for only bringing a couple bottles of water. Today, I'm just a bit sore, and the love has returned.

tiskets and taskets

One for the pile of stock bikes I wish to build over the next months. I may have a recipient in mind for this bike. Angles of a cross bike, BB drop of a road bike for a bit of auto-pilot for the 3-5am push, and massive tire clearance (up to 44): the "B-ROAD".

It comes with a free can of Manwich.

i'm back

I tried the Facebook thing, rather begrudgingly and hypocritically I admit, but in turned into not the time-suck I was warned, since I'm no lurker nor care to spy on old flames or people I used to know. I check it like I do email, a quick glance, separate the important from the trash and continue with my day. The shortcoming of stepping away from the blog is that I am a windy, circular thinking typist. I waste words like Americans waste gas and this is not a conducive habit for the character limiting Social Network. Any road, back I come. I find, in the past at least, writing about stuff publicly lent a bit of accountability to the tasks I've set forth for myself. Also, I feel interesting things upon the wind that I'll want to document in image and word for myself and that statement is nothing to rely upon without returning to some sort pressure, albeit weak, to update the ol' blog.

I will be building more bikes in the coming months. Especially with Jim's bike done (pictures and words to come) I will have more time, and more importantly less pressure to get them done. I've a few other projects to sort first, but my plan after is to build a half dozen stock sized bikes and have local artists do the paint. Also, working on a recyclery here in Salem with a friend of mine, a labor of love that will need publicity.

Here's to the return to the exercise of the daily expungement of happenings and ideas, so, hello again.

"i was in the pool!"

I really don't mind the short comings of my fitness. I accept that. It was windy today, and cold, and my tire/tube/wheel set up squeezes all the fun out of road cycling. They make my bike feel like a loaded touring bike riding through pudding. I accept that as well. This is my penance for being so weak.

However, I cannot accept any longer cycling gear made with no room for ye ol package. Everything is wrapped so tightly under layers of insulation and wind stopper fabrics that there is nothing for jimmy to do but run indoors and explore his beginnings before my body decided to become a boy. Each time I come in from a cold ride (normal summertime layers of Lycra are bad enough) I have to remind myself that I am in fact a grown man and they did in fact drop years ago. Usually a warm shower coaxes some of my pride to return, but it is not without its lingering effects. Where I wonder is the supportive fleece lined pouch with sleeve for an optional hand warmer integrated into winter tights? Surely someone has to make something like this. I'm beginning to think this recurring trauma can't be good long term for my gentleman's area.